Thursday, August 9, 2007


listen , i've got no more patience for this thing.
i'm sorry but not i'm a performing monkey or a dancing bear.
it may seem like i pull all this off with apparent ease but let me tell you, it isn't so.
it is hard work...

hair gel, hydrogen peroxide the moustache, wax the eyebrows, sprints, sit-ups, tweezers, noxema, head&shoulders, conditioner, face soap, hand soap, scented candles, bubbles, manicures, pedicures, cucumbers on the eyes, cocoa butter, baby powder, self-help books, psychiatrists, pain pills, brain pills, body pills, and tennis lessons.


even if it is a lie, please tell me you laughed out loud at least once.

i'm desperate for affirmation.
i'll do anything...
you should see what they do at the leaning tower of Pisa...
if i say no, what does that say about me?remember gizmo of gremlins fame?
he/she/it is now in second place in the contest for the pet i want the most.
in first place is this little chinese man rolling in the grass.
weeeeeeee!!!! this is right after we all ate hashish together.
i swear. i feel bad.
i really do.
but i just can't help myself.i'm tempted to fly this guy back to SF,
and see what kind of business he would do in union square.
up the cost from 2 cents to 2 dollars and i think we might have a winner.
automatic systematic.

but why am i standing on the only wet spot.
this guy had just reached a new low.
i sat down with him for a while.
he cried and i listened.
i told him,"it can only get better from here."
it seemed to help.this is the same way i market my shit.
ambigous product.
same exact not be embarassed to idolize this guy.
just a brazen approach.
he walks up to a car of foreign strangers in the middle of traffic.
he makes no facial expression whatsoever.
he takes off his shirt.
he just starts to flex.
why the fuck not?plaid on plaid is soso futurisitic.
at the bootleg DVD market.
out inflating your bicycle tire.
standing on a corner in the sun with an umbrella.
it doesn't matter where.
it is a winner.
embrace it cause it is here to stay.
rule #144.
under no circumstances, pick up the children of strangers.
no matter how much you want to chew on their cheeks.
there is just nothing more awkward than a stranger holding your baby.
i'm sorry but it's a rule.
is this me in 20 years?
yes or no, i win.
waiting for the late night ferry from the casinos of macau to the island of hong kong.
these guys get busy with some group PSP.
i get busy with the lavender deluxe button-down.knuckle of the week.
my man "guinness" richi.
19 guinness book world records.
guinness rides a motorcycle for 1001 hours without stopping!
guinness flys from new delhi to oakland to deliver a pizza!
guinness adopts his 61 yr. old brother-in-law!
guinness asks his 62 year old wife for yet another kid??
she says NO.
guinness is stymied but not defeated.

see guinness suck down 500 grams of ketchup with a straw!
see guinness and his super tiny Koran!
see guinness stick 500 straws in his mouth!
what ever happened to ja rule?
whenever you're ready...


Friday, July 20, 2007

i. antagonize. you.

the original title of this blahg was "my favorite things about the death penalty," and before that it was "kill them all slowly." snarl, spit and growl when you say it. it just feels soo right.

anyways, the point is i believe in the death penalty. in fact, i believe we are too conservative with its uses and whom is subject to it as punishment. for example; i think michael bay should die. i want him to choke on a piginablanket. i think the government should sponsor his public execution. actually, anyone that spends $40 million or more on a film production that is responsible for the general regression of mankind, should be killed. guillotine. onethousandcuts. drawn. and. quartered.

maybe i am just bitter because i watched Transformers last night. beginning to end. the chinese bootleg wasn't even worth the $2.50 it cost...

because i'm a sucker and have a weakness for epic-childhood nostalgia, i was school-girl excited about Transformers. i knew it would be shit but that little boy with the bushy monobrow and blue/red rubberbands on his braces kept a little flame aglow. now that i have seen it and i am stupider, i feel the need to remind my constituents what that little girl looked like before HE raped her. we used to have heroes and synth rock on saturday mornings. now we have hangovers and bad breath. please everyone, get out your cereal bowl.

if you like that, please please please watch the next three...

if you didn't enjoy those, please leave now. just get on your horse and leave.

more from the podium. if you don't like michael bay either, clink here. there is hope yet.

finally, i just feel a need to acknowledge the overall pure joy of the chinese bootleg DVD. it is great on so many levels. it is the robin hood of our time (die michael bay die). it as an adventure in consuming (hong kong night markets. knock-offs, kitsch, and mah jong kits. what's not to like?). and it is an unpredictable film viewing experience (the last 10 minutes of the deadwood season finale was an 1970s italian film about a boy and his bicycle). for example, please please please check out the rear synopsis from this ocean's 13 boot... click on it to enlarge. you will not be dissapointed. it swells my heart with love.

let's stick with translation as our theme. fuck why not the?

some personal nuggets from afar.

i don't know what he is selling but i want some...
even though it is in hindi, the message is universal... "no glove no love"
back in the day, when men were men, all disputes were settled in this manner. banana-hammy wrestling matches. in india, sex toys are illegal. as is porn. but this is legit. g.O.d. bless.
i like this. straightforward. expect the worst and you'll never be dissapointed.
i have no idea but i like it. toopac
doorbell design epiphany. "we'll stick a nob right into it's mouth." brilliant.
classic and classy. bang.
bombay circus. forever.
june 18th fuckers! june 18th!
my favorite favorite. says. it. all.
but even better is when you flip the two sentences like this...
we are also concerned for the people."
just like that you go from G.O.D. to michaelbay.
i relate to this. same moustache. same message. double bang.
bombay circus. forever.

sorry. i got carried away this week. let's be serious from now on.

see you in the 4th dimension.